From Love, To Lost, To Reconciliation
By: Darren Sproat Mar 9th, 2010Category: Then Life Happens
I have been fielding a lot of questions regarding when I will be writing for the blog again. Those who know me know that there’s little in the world that could take my attention away from those things I am passionate about… That is, until a possibility to relight the flame of one of those past passions presented itself.
My attention, most recently, has turned to reigniting the passion with my ex-wife, Cheryl Sproat. Her and I have known each other since the fall of 1988… I knew there was something special about her the moment I met her. I wasn’t sure what it was at the time but I can say, today, it was her smile, her laugh, and her attitude of loving life, family, friends, and so much more no matter what came at her.
We would hang out occasionally as we shared some mutual friends. I remember meeting her with a friend at the mall on my 17th birthday. Not long after that, I found the courage to ask her if she would go to a movie with me. It was December 3, 1988, I was nervous, I wanted her to like me as more than a casual acquaintance… She said yes and we decided to take in Mel Gibson’s latest at the time… ’Lethal Weapon’.
There started a wonderful friendship that gradually grew into an incredibly amazing, inspiring, and loving relationship. We would spend more and more time together until it became pretty clear that you wouldn’t see one of us without the other…
We got married on August 3, 1996 and immediately wanted to start a family. We both very much wanted to be parents. The problem, we discovered, was that it was very unlikely Cheryl would ever be able to get pregnant naturally. There is a long story there but I can admit that through it all we were each other’s rock. With a little help from In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), Cheryl was able to get pregnant. Later in the pregnancy, we found out we had been blessed with twins, one boy and one girl. We both thought our perfect little family was all there. Her pregnancy was ‘textbook’ as far as a multiples pregnancy goes. Finally, on September 5, 2001, along came a beautiful, healthy little girl, MacKenzie. Our boy, Michael, would not make it through delivery and is now MacKenzie’s guardian angel in heaven. For more on MacKenzie and Michael, see: He is in our Hearts, Daddy.
There’s no doubt MacKenzie’s birth and Michael’s passing changed our lives…there’s something about becoming a parent that is so empowering and right…and there’s something about losing a child that is so deflating and wrong. It wasn’t long after MacKenzie was born, however, that my relationship with Cheryl changed. We, as a couple, were merely existing instead of really living. Before, circumstances rarely determined our attitudes or moods and we lived and loved to the fullest. With MacKenzie a part of our lives, we both felt incredibly blessed… what an amazing addition to our family that little miracle was. During this period, however, life had become so routine that we felt we were merely taking up space, simply existing. We were both very present for our daughter, of course, but something was missing in us. Something wasn’t right.
Tensions between Cheryl and I grew and we began living our lives separately… not physically separate but emotionally and spiritually separate. We recognized this and passed around the idea of engaging couple’s counselling or other means of working our way through what I considered to be a bump in the road. I thought we owed it to ourselves, each other, and our amazing little girl, to work as hard as we could to reignite the passion we once had for each other.
It wasn’t long before we recognized that our hearts simply weren’t in it and we thought we would have to separate in order to build a positive home(s) for our little girl. I remember thinking, “How could I love so deeply someone who refused to love me back.” Cheryl and I separated and commenced our lives apart. MacKenzie, although very disappointed, was quite resilient to all the changes going on around her.
I have some pretty amazing friends and family members who supported me through so much of the rollercoaster that has been the last 2-3 years of my life. With their help, I didn’t allow the changes going on around me to influence my happiness. I’m not going to say I didn’t have any sad days or that a bitter or resentful thought never went through my mind, but, thanks to amazing friends, an amazing employer, and an amazing family, I was able to focus my attention on what mattered. I could focus on me and ‘create my little piece of happy’ along with building a positive, supportive home for my daughter and I. At the same time, Cheryl was able to identify for herself who she was and wanted to become.
There were some very trying moments. There was finger pointing and threats. There was mistrust. I refused to allow bitterness or resentment to become a routine in my life and chose to focus on that which I was grateful for… there was so much, afterall, to be grateful for. I didn’t allow additional financial commitments or other personal and professional challenges to change who I wanted to be. I can’t say I wasn’t hurt because I was… I had put everything into my relationship with Cheryl. What I can say, however, is that I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself and certainly didn’t want others to feel sorry for me.
Late in the summer, perhaps early fall 2009, I was dropping my daughter off at Cheryl’s place and something occured to me. I had REALLY let go. I spoke breifly to Cheryl and shared with her that I hoped she could find the peace she was looking for, that I wished for her only the very best, and that I had let go. I shared with her that our success as a couple will not be measured by the failure of our marriage but by how we choose to raise our little girl… I shared with her that I had forgiven her and I asked that she forgive me. I told her that, for as long as she would let me, I would be her friend. I told her that her happiness is a decision away.
From that moment forward I recognized a change. I didn’t know what it was or even if our previous conversation had anything to do with it, but our communications from that point forward were less stressed. When we did talk we smiled, we laughed… we started sharing little pieces of our lives with each other again. Both of us had been ‘dating’ if it could be called that and both of us had released each other and, as importantly, ourselves from the burden of our failed marriage. Most of all, however, we both gave the other the space we needed to really determine who we wanted to become.
It was a cold day in January when we met so I could drop off some of MacKenzie’s things. I had picked up a few coffees and we sat in my truck enjoying some conversation and laughs. I looked at her and told her that I was proud of how we had grown past the bitterness and the next words out of her mouth would introduce another major change in our lives… she said, “Yes, Darren, we make a pretty good team, don’t we?” There was something in her this cold morning that I hadn’t seen in years, something warm… it was a smile, a REAL smile!
I don’t think I could pinpoint when things started feeling right again… or, for that matter, FEELING at all. But, we made great strides together when we found it in ourselves to forgive and move on… to release ourselves and eachother… to stop feeling sorry for ourselves… to focus on ourselves first.
Today, Cheryl and I are reigniting our relationship. It wont be easy rebuilding our lives, we recognize that, but we have a renewed commitment to each other and a renewed lease on our relationship. We will remain living separated for some time but I am confident that we will be moving in together again soon.
I wish to thank all who regularly read and contribute to this blog. Your many comments, e-mails, and contributions are true blessings and I am looking forward to many more.
“Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things.
– Paul (A.D. First Century) 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
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TwitterID: ReloMary
I am so happy for the two of you…really happy! I will stay tuned! What a great post, Darren. Say hi to Cheryl.
I do have some amazing family and friends (real AND virtual). Things are settled in nicely around here. All the very best to you and yours.
Darren
[New Post] What Happened to Darren? – http://blog.darrensproat.com/2010/03/09/… – using @twitoaster
RT @DarrenSproat: [New Post] What Happened to Darren? – http://blog.darrensproat.com/2010/03/09/… – using @twitoaster
James,
I truly appreciate the retweet of my post. Thank you so much!
Darren
TwitterID: lance02
Darren and Cheryl,
I am so happy for both of you. Marriage is something that takes effort, to make it be the wonderful union it is meant to be. I’m smiling tonight as I think of you two – and where you are today. Such a wonderful, wonderful story of hope and love!
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
Lance,
Thanks again for your comment and continued support here. I do truly appreciate it. Many times it was your blog that offered me the perspective, the hope, the insight I needed to remain positive and hopeful.
All the best,
Darren
Darren,
What a beautiful and truthful post. Marriage like any of the relationships in our lives takes work and it is not always about the good parts, the easy parts. Thank you for having the courage to share your and Cheryl’s story. I wish all the Sproat family the best of discoveries on this journey.
All the best wishes,
Debra
Debra,
Thanks again for your support. We too are hoping for the “best of discoveries on this journey”. We know there is much to discover ahead of us and, more important, we are commited to that journey together.
All the best,
Darren
TwitterID: WebDesignBarrie
Darren,
I had heard about this awhile ago but reading the full story and seeing how you were brought back together through maturity and care makes me so happy for you. I’m glad that things are working out! All the best!
Sabrina,
I try to stay pretty real when it comes to this and didn’t want to allow the ‘drama’ to be a part of my daily life. I can’t say it didn’t seep in at times but friends and family didn’t let me dwell on it when it did!
I appreciate the comment,
Darren
TwitterID: CassieUtai
Darren,
I am happy for you D, i hope you and Cheryl can create the love i know you desire and deserve.
Luv ya always,
Cas
Cas,
Thanks again for reading and commenting. You know you hold a place in my heart…that will never change. Stay on your journey too.
Luv,
Darren
TwitterID: hollyjahangiri
Everyone deals with grief in their own way. The death of a child is, I imagine, the most devastating kind of grief. And I wonder if even the closest of couples can get through it without feeling isolated and alone sometimes, no matter how much they’re “there for each other.” I think grief and loss have both a private side and a public one, and the private one can’t be healed by anyone but the person feeling it.
When you’re gravely ill, your body doesn’t have a whole lot of energy to do anything but fight the illness. When you’re in a pit of despair, it’s a lot like being ill, and there’s simply no medicine for it – no nice, easy fix. And when we love someone, sometimes we’re just not inclined to drag them into the pit WITH us, and may consciously or subconsciously push them away. With a little time and luck and choice, happiness usually returns. I’m glad that you and Cheryl managed to stay friends, to be a good team, and to be there when the turning point came and you could come back together again. I’m so happy for you.
I connected with Cheryl on Twitter (not knowing any of this) and, although we haven’t ever spoken at length, she seems like a warm, witty, cheerful sort of person – exactly the kind of person I can picture you spending your life with. I’ll bet MacKenzie’s over the moon. I wish you three all the best; the blog can wait while you guys rekindle the home fires.
.-= Holly Jahangiri´s last blog ..Script Frenzy Begins on April Fool’s Day =-.
Holly,
I appreciate your comment on this post. Wow, what a contribution. I think you’re right about there being a private/public side of healing.
MacKenzie is elated… Frankly, we’re trying to bring her down a little bit.
The rollercoaster has been quite a ride for all of us.
Thanks again for your wonderful contribution.
Darren
TwitterID: CherylSproat
I am a little taken by all the great responses to this post. Thank you.
There are two sides to every story, of course, and I have always been able to share my side with Darren without feeling judged or confined. I learned a lot while I was away and found my way back to my loving, wonderful husband. I love Darren and always have but just didn’t know it… I had to work through many things that just weren’t right to me and, regardless of how hard I felt I had to push him away, Darren continued to be my friend.
As in any relationship, we both have our issues and both need to work on them but we have found each other again and for that I am grateful. I feel myself again… a whole person again… in love again.
Cheryl
.-= Cheryl Sproat´s last blog ..CherylSproat: RT @DarrenSproat: "You can only stay tuned to who you are and who you wish to become if you take a moment to listen to, you guessed it, YOU! =-.
Cheryl,
You know I have admired you since we were barely old enough to drive… We have been through and experienced so much together and have a wonderful journey ahead of us.
Beside you always, my little Cheerio!
Love Darren
Great read Darren – good luck to you both – Pam and I will try to help as much as possible! Havasu is great – 77 above to-day – home in 3 weeks!
Dad,
You encouraged me from a very young age to focus on the bright side of things… back then it was called maintaining a positive attitude.
Some very pointed statements I remember you sharing with me had a great impact on me through the emotional rollercoaster that was the last 2-3 years and, while I can’t say I was always positive, I can say that during those negative moments I was never too deep and was only a simple mindset shift away from focusing on the bright side again.
I don’t believe I would have been able to hold together all that we had built if I hadn’t had those lessons from you over the years.
There’s little room for resentment and bitterness in my life…
Thanks Dad!
Darren
Oh… and I hope you’re enjoying Havasu. The heavy fog continues here but at least the temperatures are above freezing!
See you in 3 weeks!
Darren
@DarrenSproat I just read “What happened to Darren” post – very REAL. Very touching. So many people go thru the same thing. Good for you
@zaneology Thank you so much for that…very much appreciated.
Zane,
I very much appreciate the comment and continued support. Stay tuned…
Darren
To witness your family story of radical gratitude, unlimited forgiveness and simply put unconditional love gives my heart wings and deepens my root in the truth that love can build a bridge that begins within. Thank you for sharing what being the hero of your own adventure looks like Darren.
Michiko,
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for leaving the kind comment. I appreciate it more than words can say. I am a strong believer in unconditional love, a love without expectations…
Thank again,
Darren
TwitterID: TormentedOne
Dear Darren and Cheryl,
From your story, I have learned so much. As yours began to unveil itself to be this ‘above described’ journey, my own ‘journey’ seemed more meaningful. I realized even more that we all wear a mask of some sort, and that it is the ones who choose to take it off; revealing even the painful side of life that we all live, who are so fortunate and blessed. We get to share the joyful results of having experienced adversity. It makes us appreciate even more, all the beauty there is in life.
I wish for you both, along with MacKenzie, and your little angel in heaven, the most glorious journey on your new road together, as a family. Thank you so much for sharing.
I am so grateful for being shown by you, what is possible, “in love….”
.-= Pamala´s last blog .. =-.
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
Thanks for such a heartfelt comment. Pamala, it was the unveiling of your story that helped me, at least in part, to find the courage to reveal my own…not just to the world but, in a way, to myself. I reached a stage of clarity last year that confirmed for me that it is my own thoughts about my life and the lives around me that create my circumstances and it wasn’t long after that realization that I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started living with a great deal of gratitude for all that is wonderful in my life.
Your story is one of hope and inspiration, Pamala… thank you for sharing.
With love,
Darren
TwitterID: MsTausha
Darren,
I literally have tears streaming down my face! You and Cheryl’s story is so beautiful, and emphasizes the power of forgiveness and letting go and letting God! I sing praises to God for what He has done in your lives, and I wish many more years of love, happiness, and the peace that surpasses ALL understanding for you, Cheryl, and MacKenzie…glory be to the God of reconciliation!
I love you all!
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
Tausha,
I don’t know if you know the power your guest post, entitled “The Power of Forgiveness” and dated August 31, 2009, had on me last year. It was late in the summer last year that I had really forgiven Cheryl AND myself for all that was going on in our lives. Your article was, I believe, a very strong source of my motivation to really look within and truly let go of the past and find it in my heart to forgive.
THANK YOU TAUSHA…
The Power of Forgiveness: http://www.thenlifehappens.com/2009/08/31/the-power-of-forgiveness/
Darren
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
For those reading these comments, it is worthwhile to recognize a past guest post on this site by Ms.Tausha. She wrote “The Power of Forgiveness” and it was, at least partially, what inspired me to take action on letting go and forgiving in my own life. Not only my wife but myself as well. Please read and comment on: The Power of Forgiveness: http://www.thenlifehappens.com/2009/08/31/the-power-of-forgiveness/
Regards,
Darren Sproat
.-= Check out Darren Sproat´s last blog ..Social Media Brings Easter Joy To My Family =-.
TwitterID: chasemarch
That’s an awesome story. Thanks for tweeting about it today so I could read it. I know you mentioned it to me earlier I just hadn’t had the time to check it out before today. It’s nice to see that you were able to find your way back to loving each other. Very inspiring!
.-= Check out Chase March´s last blog ..Could’ve Been my Wedding Song (Day 23) =-.
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
Chase,
Interestingly, I am not convinced we really were ever in a state of not loving each other. We were just so focused on the hurt and the misgivings of the other that we couldn’t see past them. Once BOTH of us forgave the other and really let go of the burden of a potentially failed relationship we were able to put the past behind us and focus on ourselves and our relationship.
I love that you stopped by to read and comment on this. Very much appreciated,
Darren
[...] this area of my life and, frankly, after the last couple of years we had it’s time now. See: From Love, To Lost, To Reconciliation! After over 2 years of uncertainty between Cheryl and I there’s no better time than now to [...]
TwitterID: joannefunch
What a blessing this story of reconciliation is thank you for sharing so openly. Life is all about the journey and obviously you two are truly meant to share it together.
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
Thank you sooo much for that comment, JoAnne. I can not express the gratitude I have for all the support both Cheryl and I have had as we rebuild ourselves and our relationship!
Darren
How did you do it? The past almost two years have been hell for me from the break up of my fiancee, who I was with 7 years. The story is too long to recount,but I loved her deeply, and was a part of her family. That is now all gone, and the bitterness and angry I feel is papable. For a awhile I hope for reconcillation, but now I dont see how I could do it, or even forgive enough to forget about her now being with other men, and the way she broke up with me. How were you able to forgive? Did having a daughter help that process?
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
Joe,
It really started with forgiving myself for my role in the breakdown of our marriage… I was then able to focus instead on my own health and work towards forgiving her. This was something I had to do for the health of our relationship (together or not) while we raised our daughter. My little girl needed a happy Dad and a happy Mom.
Beyond that, I chose my thoughts… I could choose to think about the ‘crap’ or I could choose to think about the love. I never stopped loving her. I did release myself and give myself permission to be happy without her. This played a large part in her and I decided to reconcile as well. We were both on the road to recovery and soon saw what brought us together in the first place.
This wont work for everyone… what you have to do is what’s best for you.
(Sorry for the lateness of my reply… somehow it got lost in all this comments)
Regards,
Darren
Me and my ex do not share a child and so there is no reason to remain in each others lives. So there is no chance for her to see what she fell in love with to begin–assuming she really loved me to start with. Which to be honest I doubt. I dont see how she moves on so quickly if all the stuff she used to tell me was true.
[...] From Love, to Lost, to Reconciliation March 9, 2010 [...]
TwitterID: DahliaKurtz
Very sweet story. Don’t even know you, but it brought a smile to my face. Wishing you both happiness.
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
Dahlia,
I am pretty sure we’ve followed each other on twitter for a while (there’s SOO many on twitter). Thank you for stopping by and for leaving the very kind words.
Regards,
Darren
TwitterID: SoberJulie
Wow Darren what a testimony to God’s work in your lives!!!
It’s amazing how our perspective changes once we have become humble in ourselves and forgiveness takes place. I’m truly happy for you both.
TwitterID: DarrenSproat
Julie,
Thanks for leaving a comment. You said it… Perspective changes! It’s unfortunate that it seemed to take such extreme measures for us to get to the point where we could find it in ourselves to forgive each other and, as importantly, ourselves, as we made our way through this. We have a new lease on life and our relationship together and I’m happy to report that we are living together again and rebuilding our lives.
Take care,
Darren